


The Light of My Night

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Oneshot, Suicide, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-23 00:03:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20882864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: Read the tags! Be warned, this is not a happy story.





	The Light of My Night

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags! Be warned, this is not a happy story.

What if one could wield the power of turning back time? What if you could go back to make amends, to correct a mistake, to take back something you had said, to say something you should have, to relieve the guilt eating away at your soul, to offer a helping hand you never had, to take the hand you had refused, to look back when you wanted to, to dance when you were too shy to, to love when you still could, to apologize to a grieving mother, to give thanks to a sacrificing father, to hold someone, to speak your mind for once, to have mustered the courage, to have been brave?

Turning back time was a pipe dream, nothing more. But if it were possible, if a mortal human being had that godlike power for one day, just for one, if he could return to a point in time and be back to the present before sunup the next day, what would he do?

The funeral was a sombre occasion, all funerals were. But this one was quieter for that only five had come to say their final goodbyes to the boy who was set to rest so soon. He was dressed in silk and satin, laid on top of a bed of flowers. Even in death, he was so beautiful. Almost enchanting. But his lips were not rosy anymore, nor were his cheeks. His skin was now pale and blue. The heartrending marks on his neck were covered by a dusting of white powder. A woman, clad in all black, wept by the coffin, holding her son’s cold hand.

Kai stood still, wondering how he could pay his respects. He should not even be here. He had no right to be here. How could something so little and trivial lead him here? How could he have seen this tragedy coming?

The grief was overwhelming. Apart from the pain in his chest, everything else had numbed. He wished that it had been him. He wondered if greeting death would be easier compared to the pain of mourning for someone he loved. And God, how much he loved him…

His heart was still full of the boy lying there in the shoddy wooden coffin his mother could afford. She had refused to take any of Kai’s help for the funeral, knowing very well that Kai had been the reason for her son’s passing. She did not accuse him of it, of course not. She was a kinder than that. But what she felt was not a lie. She was right. Kai had been the reason for all of this.

They had been friends for many years. They had lost count of the years somewhere along the way. In this small village, it really was not all that surprising that they had found each other. Right from the day they had met, they had been great friends. Friends who had pined for each other in silence for far too long. They had always been too afraid, too worried of what would become of them if the other villagers found out. So, they loved in silence for very long, never saying it out loud, never sharing anything other than a few stolen glances of longing and slight brushes of their fingers when no one was looking. Neither of them had to say it. It was clear to them. They knew what they were feeling for each other. The yearning was so strong that it was hard to be missed.

But now, one of them had been torn away from this world, while the other stood there with bloodshot eyes and trembling hands as grief continued to burn down his soul. He should have told him while he still had the chance. He should have.

How did one go on with this kind of pain? Was it even possible? Kai did not think that he could ever find happiness again. He did not want to. He should be buried six feet under, too.

As they started to close the coffin, Kai lurched forward. “Don’t,” he began to say, choking on a sob. The pallbearers looked at him with a surprised expression. Kai struggled to say anything more. It felt as though a hand was tightening around his neck, cutting the air supply to his lungs. His eyes stung with hot tears, his soul feeling as if it was being ripped away from his body as the coffin closed.

This was really happening, and he still could not wrap his head around the fact that it was. It felt like one of those lucid dreams that one would want to wake up from, but no matter how hard they tried, they just could not. The horrors of the dream would wrap around their neck like the bony fingers of death.

If only he could turn back time…

He tried to hold himself back as the pallbearers lifted the casket. This was it. All the hopes and dreams Kai had had for them both for the future were extinguished. The bleakness and darkness that flooded around him took away every spot of light from his life. It was as though the light of his night had been stamped out so cruelly.

The funeral was not the last of his despair. It was only the beginning. This heartache would never go away, would it? How could something so painful leave no scar behind?

He could not stay there any longer. If he did, he might crumble to his knees and lose the last silvers of his self-restraint. So, he slipped out of the hall with a lump so thick in his throat. He quickly wiped the tears that fell from his eyes as he dragged his feet away. He was not sure where he was heading, but he did not stop.

He wondered if this loss, this grief might have not been so brutal if only he had not let his heart waver, if only they had felt nothing for each other, nothing more than what two friends should. If they had not fallen in love with each other, Sehun would still be alive, wouldn’t he? If he had not met Kai at all, he would have lived. He would not have gone to the extent of taking his life to deal with a heartbreak.

Kai looked up at the dusky sky. There wasn’t a single cluster of stars that night. Sorrowful grey clouds gathered with a warning of a rainstorm. The villagers were promptly making the necessary arrangements to survive the forthcoming downpour. Kai did not head home. Instead, he went where his feet took him.

He came to the river after a while. It was always so peaceful out here. Sehun used to love it here. He would often come here with a book or his flute. He would then sit under the tree near the riverbank and spend hours enjoying the calm and quiet around him.

The shores of the river still held the memories of the beautiful, gentle boy.

Kai finally fell to his knees and hung his head. He did not fight the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He did not deny the sharp pain in his chest. He did not curb his grief. He let it all flow through him. And it was the most agonizing torture he had ever had to endure.

The worst part of it all was coming to terms with the fact that he was never going to see Sehun again. There was absolutely no way of looking at that blushing face, those beautiful eyes, his shy gaze again. Kai would not get to hold those hands or kiss those lips. He was just… gone.

Kai plunged his hands into the damp soil and fisted his hands around it, letting out an aggrieved cry, praying, wishing for a second chance. It was all that he asked. He knew that it was unfair, and that he needed to be punished for his mistakes. But he wanted a second chance. To hold Sehun’s hand again. To tell him that he loved him. He wanted that one evening back so that he could make it all right once more. He wanted to make this pain go away.

That one evening, which changed everything, was all that he needed right now. He would accept this fate when the sun came up again that day. He wished dearly to return to the evening of the hoedown. The evening where he had hurt Sehun so much that he had unknowingly broken the boy’s heart and will to live on.

He recalled the way Sehun had smiled at him sheepishly, cheeks so red from all the ginger ale he had been drinking all evening. All of the village was there at the hoedown. The villagers—men, women, children—hooked arms and cavorted around to the sound of the beating drums and singing bards. It had been a joyous event. All the hearts were full and so were the bellies.

Kai had been pretty tipsy from all the mead he was drinking with his brother, too. His entire family was at the hoedown. His father, mother, two sisters and brother. The bonfire in the middle of the village puffed out thick palls of black smoke, which disappeared into the dark of the night. So much was going on all at once, but Kai’s eyes had only been on Sehun, who was giggling and stumbling as he danced with his mother. He was always so buoyant, so happy. His laughter could always make Kai’s entire day. He only had love to give. So pure, so beautiful.

He noticed the way Kai was staring at him, taking small sips of mead from the bottle. He blushed as the flickering flames of the bonfire danced in his eyes. Pulling out of his mother’s grip, he teetered over to where Kai was sitting on the bench with his brother.

_“Come dance,”_ he blurted out excitedly. _“with me.”_

The ale had clearly gone to his head. Kai blinked at him and then glanced around. The rest of his family was also nearby. Even if they were not there, Kai would never fucking dance with Sehun in front of a single villager. What would they say about two boys dancing intimately? Was Sehun out of his mind?

Kai scowled at him and said, _“You are drunk.”_

_“So?”_ Sehun grinned happily and reached down to take hold of Kai’s hands. Kai flinched and looked at his brother, who was laughing at his side. He did not know that Kai had a thing for Sehun. Nobody did. And nobody ever would. Kai would never let that happen. He did not need to be stoned to death. And he most certainly would not let that happen to Sehun either.

_“No, Sehun,”_ he spat through his teeth, yanking his hands back.

Sehun whined, falling against Kai, hands clutching at Kai’s tunic by the chest. _“Come on. Please.”_ He then leaned in and whispered into Kai’s ear. _“I want to dance with you. At least once. Please?”_

Kai’s blood ran cold. He quickly looked around them to see if there were any onlookers. His father was watching him now. For reasons of his own, he never liked Kai hanging out with Sehun, the son of the poor widow, whose husband was hanged as a criminal. He had told Kai once that he should stay away from Sehun. The boy could only bring him bad luck and a bad reputation. Kai cared for none of that. He told his father that their friendship could not harm anyone.

If only it had stayed just a friendship.

_“Sehun, you must stop,”_ Kai hissed at him, trying to pull away. _“I said no.”_

Sehun grabbed onto his hands once more and said, _“Why not?”_

That was when Kai retrieved his hands from Sehun harshly before he brought them to the other boy’s chest before shoving him back.

Sehun tripped over his foot and crashed onto the ground then, eyes bulging out, blood draining from his face altogether. He looked up at Kai in horror and sorrow. Kai almost lurched forward to pick him up, but he stopped when he noticed the pleased smile on his father’s face.

_“Because I’m not a fucking cocksucker to prance around with lads,”_ he spat at Sehun, even though his heart felt as though it were being ripped apart.

For moments, Sehun did not move. He continued to gawk at Kai in disbelief. Then looking terribly devastated, he pushed himself back onto his feet and dusted the dirt off his pants. When he raised his head and looked at Kai again, his eyes were all red and misty. He seemed as though he were choking on a sob. He turned away from Kai and started walking toward the river, where he knew he could find some solace.

Kai balled his hands into fists at his sides, his heart hammering against his chest. He wanted to go after Sehun. He had to apologize, to explain himself. But he did not. He plumped back on the bench next to his brother and slouched disappointedly, head hung low. Then for the rest of the night, he drank and drank until he forgot himself while Sehun must have been crying his heart out at the river, feeling sorry for himself.

It was at the same river where Kai was sobbing right now, begging for the pain to stop somehow. But it only grew. He remembered how Sehun’s mother had run out of her cottage, screaming in agony after having found her son hanging from the ceiling with a rope around his neck.

It had been something so trivial. To Kai, at least. He never could have foreseen this. He could not have seen such a tragedy coming. He had done this. He had made Sehun do this.

He felt a raindrop on his cheek when he looked up at the coursing river. If only he had come out here and talked to Sehun last night…

How did so much change in just one day?

Kai collapsed to the ground as the rain began to pour. He could not find the strength to stand. He would rather be drowned in the rain or the river than to have to breathe for another day. He closed his eyes and wondered what he would do if he had a second chance.

* * *

A Second Chance…

An hour or so had passed since Sehun had left the hoedown with a broken heart. Kai was sober again with no intention of going for another round of mead. Nothing around him eased his distress, so he got up and slipped past the crowd without being noticed by his family.

Meandering his way toward the river where he was certain that he would find Sehun, he tried to think of an apology. He clearly owed the boy one. He would just explain himself, he thought. Tell him why he could not dance with Sehun in front of everyone.

But as soon as he found Sehun on the shore of the river, seated on the ground, arms hugged around his legs as he sobbed quietly, Kai’s mind turned to a blank slate as his body turned cold. Oh, God. He had not meant to make Sehun this upset.

Swallowing hard, he stepped forward. “Hey,” he said.

Sehun stopped crying at once and wiped his cheeks. It took him a moment to turn his head around and look at Kai. He did not say anything as he looked away again.

Kai exhaled heavily and held a hand down.

Though Sehun acknowledged it, he did not take it. “Come on,” Kai sighed.

After a minute, Sehun sniffled and wiped his eyes once more before he slid his hand into Kai’s. Pulling him up to his feet, Kai took hold of Sehun’s other hand as well and brought them both to his own shoulders.

Sehun blinked his wide, puffy eyes at him in confusion, hands clinging to Kai’s shoulders. “Kai, what are you—”

“Shh,” Kai hushed him gently as he placed his hands on the sides of Sehun’s waist. The boy shuddered and then blushed under the moonlight. There was just something so heavenly about Sehun. He was soft and pure, sure. But why was it that Kai only had eyes for him? Why couldn’t anyone else make Kai’s flutter the way it did for Sehun?

To the faint music played at the hoedown and the gentle beat of the river’s current, Kai drew Sehun close for a slow dance.

They had never done anything like this before. The most that they had done was try and hold hands when no one was looking. But even that had been for just a fleeting moment.

Tonight, however, they were holding each other so close that they could feel each other’s heartbeat on their chests. Sehun smelled like lilacs and ginger ale tonight. Kai almost leaned in and nuzzled into the boy’s neck.

Sehun seemed like he was holding his breath, his eyes boring into Kai’s. “This,” he said in a soft whisper, gaze lost in Kai’s eyes. “feels like a dream.”

Kai smiled, his hands sliding to the small of Sehun’s back, eyes falling briefly to Sehun’s lips. “Could I kiss you?”

Sehun let out a shaky breath, his fingers trembling against the back of Kai’s neck. “Y-Yes.”

Kai simply did what his heart told him to do then. Sehun parted his lips slightly when he saw Kai part his. As Kai tilted his head forward, Sehun clenched his eyes. His breath grazed Kai’s lips as their noses touched. Then Kai closed his own eyes and brushed their lips together. Sehun held onto him then, as though his knees were about to buckle. Kai gripped his waist tighter, pressing his lips harder against Sehun’s. They were so soft. Softer than Kai could have ever imagined. And warm.

If his heart had beaten any faster, it might have fallen out of his chest.

When he pulled back to take a look at Sehun’s face, searching for signs of discomfort, Sehun still had his eyes closed. They had stopped dancing. Slowly, Sehun’s eyes fluttered open and met Kai’s.

“Okay?” Kai asked, frowning.

Sehun leaned his head onto Kai’s shoulder then and held him dearly. “Kai…”

He knew. Kai knew what the words hanging on the tip of Sehun’s tongue were in that moment. They were the same words clogging Kai’s throat. The words that filled his heart every time he saw Sehun.

Sadly, they were the words they would never get to hear from each other.


End file.
